Picked up by Eddie Starr of Suspicious Stains we then collected all other group members and set about the journey to Lancaster with custard pie, beer and green the order of the day.  Guitarman Jim (the human encyclopaedia) rattled off insane anecdotes regarding the voices in the sea and the masticating habits of sheep!  A very knowledgeable chap indeed.  The conversation about horses was a little bizarre but was brought to an abrupt end by my confession that when I was a kid I used to throw stones and their equine erections.  Deviant and irresponsible but still people find it amusing.

Anyway, we arrived at the Yorkshire House about 3’ish and were met by our welcoming hosts Ally and Kev.  A few chats with early arrivals and a mooch around town for any literary wildlife gems (no such luck due to Lancaster’s remarkable similarity to all other failingly shitty pretentious shopping malls).

A quick dash back to the gaff and AFS were up and at it and in yer face.  A superb set this that set a high standard for the rest of the day.  The fact that AFS were on first was down to other commitments on their behalf but this lowly slot was a travesty for such an accomplished outfit.  ‘AFS’, ‘Nobodies’ and ‘Minimum Wage’ were solid erections in a perfect pornographic performance.  The drummer today seemed to be loving it with a winning smile and upbeat tempo that was a joy to see.  The whole set was held together with this smash and bang adhesive and resulted in one consistent high from which AFS never fell. Wow! 

More bands arrived and rumours were now afoot of a UK Subs guest appearance.  A buzz of excitement ensued with Churchill’s drummer Andy Subs sporting a somewhat problematic erection that had the potential to be a logistical nightmare and an inane grin that had the potential to get on ones tits.  Calm down boy – just calm down.  Anyway, James of The Guilty Pleasures and Andy Dazzler showed true SAS spirit and immediately went flyering around town and spreading the Subs gossip.

Kamikaze Sperm were next up and they dished out the usual spunk fuelled set that keeps them much talked about.  This was a typically zealous showing and if they keep this up and realise their commitments to punk rock then these oiks should do fine.

Crouch Mog hit the stage next with a wonderful showing of enthusiasm, youthful joy and energy.  I love this lot and make no apologies for my biased view.  Jovial, chatty and upbeat with an inkling towards heavy bouts of nakedness and deviancy (plus theft in the case of thieving bastard Barnes) these young upstarts epitomise what I am trying to achieve on the tour.  ‘Buddha’ was the pick and my only criticism is that new guy Andy has still to find his paws although this was still good.  Cheers lads and may the Moggy march.

Before another pint was sunk Boredom were at it and despite a few line-up changes displayed that they a gradually getting back to the high standard I for one expect.  This was far from the finished product but a certain ringcraft (nothing sexual) and determination got them through.  Overall fine and by the tours end they should be firing on all cylinders.

Still the Subs rumours – are they or aren’t they?  Andy Subs was now looking decidedly pale and close to sexual delirium.  Ice cubes please!

The Slash Monkeys gave a good account of themselves last week at Blackburn and continued on a well deserved upward trend.  With a few line-up changes, this, that and the other they set off here in a subdued 5th gear and steadily revved down to a crawling pace.  This stunk and like an arthritic skeleton who had been ravaged by an oversexed necrophiliac was disjointed in the extreme.  Despite some hard work from all concerned it just didn’t happen and the monkeys bananas wilted and turned black.  I’m sure it’s a temporary blip and look forward to giving them my full support in future as long as they get some semblance of transport, gear and line-up.  I for one hope so.

The Guilty Pleasures quickly followed and rattled off a set that was rammed with great songs.  ‘Ghosts’ and ‘Stand Up And Stop The Fighting’ as well as ‘Braindead Politician’ were great highs in a solid set .  As with the previous band the GP’s are setting an ever improving standard and, maybe wrongly, I expect too much.  If I didn’t know better I would be well chuffed with this showing but I do know the GP’s are a special outfit and can produce potentially classic performances.  The guitarist sat on a stool with his leg in plaster was very punk but it hindered the whole flow.  This was still good though and this lot must be one of punks future highlights.

Suddenly the room was filled.  No room to breathe – punters pushed up against walls – abhorrence, disgust, frenzied screaming.  The bar blocked off – beer unavailable – aaaaaggghhhh!!!  The arrival of the Subs!  The rumours were true and Andy’s unrestrained member now burst forth from his action man style cut offs.  With face a mask of orgasmic ecstasy Andy Subs was in his element, oblivious to the cock caused chaos around him.  Several brave sould tackled the rampant serpent and others pleaded with its owner to have some decency and with much ado the trouser terror slunk back into its dingly dell and Andy set about apologising and accosting the Subs.

Photos, chats, thanks and appreciation to Charlie and the boys and Suspicious Stains continued a memorable day with a first-rate display of the highest magnitude.  I’ve always been a fan of this lot and today was yet another pinnacle conquered in the Stains dramatic rise in both  popularity and stage presence.  Truly awesome here with a variety of musical genres challenged and defeated by sheer skill.  ‘ASBO’, ‘Rockstar’ and ‘End Away’ were classics in a cosmopolitan cacophony of craft and chaos.  All members appeared comfortable and the crowd warmed to this in appreciation of seeing a good band turn out a good performance.  Brilliance personified.


With  2 bands to go Churchill had the unfortunate task of following a Stains classic and preceding the legendary UK Subs.  Not just fat but poor bastards seems the adequate phrase here!  Unphased the lads produced the best to date and belted out a lesson in aggression, authority and brutal punk and oi know how.  This was truly sensational with all members (except Andy’s aforementioned tadge) playing out of their (fore) skin.  ‘This Ones For The Skins’, ‘Churchill Army’ and ‘What Went Wrong’ remain in the memory banks but it really was difficult to pick a favourite.  Andy on drums produced his best performance to date with a rekindled belief evident.  Carl strutted his usual stuff with perfect controlled aggression and Dilboy jumped around like a coke up baboon with his ring on fire.  Rock steady Wilf soundly backed up everything with some fine bassmanship and all in all this was what I wanted and expected from this class outfit.  There’s more to come and when it arrives the big guns better watch out because this is trul;y an outfit to be reckoned with.  Class.

Finally the UK Subs.  Free of charge but still brilliant.  One classic after another was poured forth to an eager crowd and everyone enjoyed this outing of what must surely be the greatest punk band of all time.  You’d think that Charlie would be glad of a night off but this punk legend continues to do what he does best and with his band of merrymen this was a cracker.  With Tommy Couch (One Way System/Pink Torpedoes/Slutch) on drums you are on a winner for a start but when you have Brian Barnes (arguably the Subs best ever bassist) at your side you can never fail.  The guitarist Jet aka Fonz was adequate and is still learning but for sheer enthusiasm and energy he did his bit and contributed to yet another Subs classic.  ‘Warhead’, ‘Tomorrows Girls’, ‘Teenage’, ‘Stranglehold’ ‘CID’, ‘Riot’, ‘Endangered Species’ and my personal fave ‘Squat 96’ say it all and prove the quality of this outfit.  The set ended with ‘Disease’ and the day was well and truly done.  Cheers to the Subs for a fantastic gesture and their support for a tour what matters.


A great day and everyone concerned enjoyed it.  For me putting on a tour in which you believe, for a bunch of bands who need it and having your favourite all time band headline it was simply unforgettable and I hope the UK Subs get all the recognition they well and truly deserve.  Pure brilliance both musically and in Charlie Harper they have punk rock incarnate.  Pure brilliance.

by Fungalpunk/OMD