Space, the final frontier – these are the voyages of the Starship BuggeredBreast – its five year mission to seek out strange new worlds and new makers of music.  A chance to escape from the tyrannical empire of the Grand Lord Dickie Discordant and his omni-quiet oppression of the planet Analgrape.

After the sonic wars, Discordant banished all forms of music into the netherworld and so left my world to perish in unbearable silence.  A fleet of our ships broke away from the magnetic atmosphere and set out in individual starships to locate sounds most pleasing to our ears.  I, as a Klitorian, have many a tale to tell and here is one regarding my latest finds:-

Earth:  Somewhere in the fourth sector in a town known as Bolton.  It is a Saturday night and an individual known as Fungalpunk has set about organising a musical ‘Gig’ as these earthlings call it.  Tonight the banner flies for the first ‘Fungalskapunka’ evening.

Adopting a humanoid guise I enter gaff and locate Fungalpunk chatting with various faces.  I wait my chance and when he goes for what I believe to be known as a ‘Slash’ I take the opportunity to temporarily take his place and leave him under invisible sedation on what I have learned to be known as ‘The Shitter’.

I re-enter the main room of the venue and take up my role as The Fungal One.

The bands are aware of what is going on and a timetable of events has been taken care of and all musical apparatus is set.  This is my 60th venture into ‘gigging’ as a promoter and I near enough know what to say to maintain a convincing front.

The crowd is welcoming and the faces in attendance seem keen.  No one suspects!

And so the first makers of melody are on and going by the name of The Shadowcops I am taken by total surprise at the sheer energy and acoustic vitality of such a well rehearsed outfit.  My recent travels have been far and wide but I am hard pushed to find a comparison to this set of wild upstarts.  There is no lull in power and the sonic cloudburst feeds my undernourished ears with incredible joy.  Surely this band is one of the best around and the crowd in attendance seem enthralled by the talent on show.  Each and every song is driven hard with calculated craft of admirable standard and I am equally hard pressed to find any lull in quality.  In fact there isn’t one and I am overwhelmingly taken aback by one hell of a band.  ‘Putsch’ stood mighty from a throng of giants and the tone of the night was set.

Next The John Player Specials an outfit blessed with youth and as I was soon to learn one blessed with subtle skill and song writing ability.  A perfect compliment to the opening band and one that relied on sweet, wholesome tunes rather than raging powerblasts.  One of the best Ska bands on the scene and surely an outfit escalating in the running for appreciation and accolades.  The crowd lapped it up with smiling, appreciative faces and the songs were all equally triumphant in winning applause.  As in the words of Fungalpunk himself – ‘Fuckin’ fantastic’.  ‘Knockin’ On Wood’ was tonight’s memorable moment.

Even though the crowd wasn’t swollen it was a crowd who liked their music and that is what makes all the difference.  One thing I did notice was that in between bands they were playing songs via an intercom system or some such like contraption.  One of the songs that was repeated several times I learned was from a band known as The Dropkick Murphys.  For some strange reason I had feelings of rivalry and seemed to be aching to shout out ‘Who the fuck are these then’.  Strange don’t you think?

Next up it was a four piece by the unsettling name of The Scabs.  Led by one of those ‘smooth headed earthlings’ this was a brash outburst of songs dealing with social themes that were leading this country into the gutter.  A recent excursion to an area known as Bradford (another concrete crap-hole) gave me a sneak preview of these robust rioters and I was mighty taken with the honesty and no-frills approach.  Tonight was another wonderful showing and notes were taken in my internal databanks to keep an eye on these roaring rapscallions.  A song was dedicated to a bouncing member of the crowd allegedly due to his strange sexual practices.  What strange customs these earth dwellers have.  No shame whatsoever!  Songs that stood out were indeed ‘Sexual Deviant’, ‘Barbed Wire Baby’ and ‘Bastard’ a delightful ending tune about being bad.  The set reeked venom and for me a great way to relieve some pent-up hatred.

Lastly the Asezawallas, and if ever a band was based on basic, belligerent brutality with no essence of pretension then this is it.  Blazing through the set it was filled with thumping song after thumping song and my ears almost bled at the sheer blasting cacophony.  ‘Outside The Circle’ is a dream of a tune as well as ‘Welcome To The 21st Century’ the marvellous ‘Needle’ and ‘Mammy’s Little Bitch’ a ditty about men wearing nappies – Mmmmm!   Great band this and one surely undervalued by this sometimes complacent punk scene.  Next stop for this quartet is a headline slot at a forthcoming SAS Festival and well deserved too.

Well, the night ended and my ears were refreshed by some top rockin’ bands all in fine form and doing their bit for a truly admirable scene. 

Back to the bogs to change bodies and I left the scene awash with happy faces.  The sound tonight was exemplary and research is underway by fellow Klitorians to replicate this sound system for our new home.  

If things progress at this quality venue then the punky residents on this planet have a place to delight in and many a night of fun and exceptional music will be had.  One of the best nights in a long time, a fact reinforced by several punters.

Taking to my craft, I headed for more soothing sounds and at one point remember blacking out only to re-awaken realising I had blasted the Manchester Academy to insignificant pieces – now why did I do that?

This is Klitorian Kongus signing out – may the vibe be with you and keep it real!