1.   TV Smith - please give us a brief history of your punk life so  far and the bands you've been involved with?

Sudden massive success with The Adverts in 1977, band breaks up, 30 years trying to figure out what it's all about.

2.   What are your main joys and gripes about the punk scene and  who are your heroes and zeroes in life and punk?

I don't like having to judge everything by whether it's "punk" or  not. What matters is whether it's good or not. But almost everyone who is still around from the original '77 scene is a great person -  the fact that they're still here doing it means they believe in it  and they mean it.

3.   Sky Sports' Topless Darts was a bit of a failure and I was thinking if they replace the darts with Bernard Matthews Sausages and the boards with the said Mr Matthews. This would dramatically improve viewing figures.  Also instead of ladies they could use South African Albino Midgets who have OCD.  Stunnning viewing don't  you think and would you put 2 grand into the promotion of Deviant Darts for Dickheads?

Okay, I'll start saving for that. Get back to me when you have it a bit more organised. Also, can we go for veggie sausages.

4.   Of all your albums which is your fave and what is your favourire song you've ever recorded?

I've got a soft spot for all of them. That's a lot of soft spots. I don't know how I can even stand up.

5.  If you could promote a six band gig who would be on it and where would it be?  Explain your choices?

I'd quite like to see a line-up of The Adverts, The Explorers, and  Cheap. We'd do that in the U.K. somewhere, then there'd be a short  interval and we'd have the sets I do with the Midnight Creeps in the  USA, Garden Gang in Germany, and The Bored Teenagers in Spain. It  would mean a lot of travelling, some of it involving a time machine,  but I never get the chance to see my own gigs.

6.   Whats your best and worst gigs to date (and why)?

I played for the fan club in Germany last weekend and did two and a  half hours of rare demos and new songs. It was really a challenge to  do that without any of the usual well-known stuff in the setlist, and  it was a really special atmosphere so I think that's got to be one of  the best...or maybe that's just because I can't remember any others  at the moment. So I'll have to say it was also one of the worst.

7.   Umberto Grape - rectal retailer once baked his own bottom  logs, varnished them with Ronseal and sold them to schools as gym  rope.  The resulting PE lessons were a disaster with kids suffering  from turd burns on their hands and an encrustation of the scalp.   Grape went into liquidation?  How could this business venture have been improved upon?

I think the name probably put people off. The product itself was clearly excellent.

8.   I've never seen a performer work so hard at a gig and input so much spirit?  Where does this come from and what are the things  that really wind you up?

Is it alright if I don't answer the serious questions?

9.   Punk 77 or modern stuff?  Which is better and what improvements could be made in todays scene?

Err, I think this is "Question 2" again.

10.  Frankie Howerd vs Noel Edmonds in a Penny Farthing eating competition.  Give us a clue to the winner and why?

What, and shorten the odds at the bookies? This is my retirement fund we're talking about here!

11.   Why should anyone come and see TV Smith and buy one of your albums.  Sales pitch please?

It's a question millions of people all around the world are not bothering to ask themselves even as we speak. Luckily I don't care about them. I only care about the people who are still interested and  excited about music and ideas and poetry and energy and saving the world from the idiot greedy selfish dullards who are trying to control it.

12.   From your lyrics it is blatantly obvious that you are a keen  observer of life?  In 2 sentences could you sum up the main message  from your songs and give one message to the world.

Don't give in.
They will not win.