Scarlet of



1.   Barnyard Masturbator - a brief overview please?

Alright we've got me Scarlet on vocals, Stevie McHaggis on the mighty guitar and Cazzasorous on Drums, no bassist but we are looking so if anyone's interested give us a shout. We still ROCK without one of course so, don't let it put you off booking us. We aim to dominate the world with the hardcore ROCK!!! And push social boundaries to the max!!

2.   Barnyard Masturbator - where on earth did the name come from?

The title came from an article in Bizarre Magazine, where Barnyard Masturbating was classed as one of the worst jobs in science. (We've since been classed as one of the worst bands according to the Kerrang Forum.) Knowing what sort of images the name would "conjure up" we felt it  was a great name for a band as we feel people should be able to express their sexual preferences regardless of their fetish.

3.   What are the best and worst things about punk these day?

The best and worst things about punk can sometimes be the people involved in the scene. We found this to be the case when organizing a tour with the Destructors 666 back in July. We'd organized a week long tour for them, of which they were only to organize 1 date. Two weeks before the tour they pulled out saying that they had seen themselves advertised as the Destructors and would not carry out the tour as they had been advertised under false pretences. I personally thought that was pathetic especially after all the hard work we'd put into it. But, I soon found that the other bands we had lined up for support were more than helpful. Within one week new advertising, flyers and posters were made. All the local bands involved really pulled together, like Certified, Poundaflesh, the Nags, Paul Carter, AK47 they all helped to make the tour a success and we were able to carry on without the Destructorsmuckyouabouters!! Fucking Twats!!

4.   PornBalls Gimmelschtob once filled his posterier with energy saving lightbulbs in protest against the recent vegetable wars in Doowapolland. Hardly political but the fact that he did it in a bath of baked beans swung my vote. Have you ever found anything worthwhile to protest about?

Some protest !!! I bet he enjoyed it !!! I also heard he did that 3 years after the war ended. Ha!! I'm not really big on protests myself, although I have offered my support to many a cause. I filled a bath with baked beans once to raise money for people starving in Africa. But I'm more of a revolutionary, myself. I'm just waiting for the right moment to change the world and create a social movement.

5. Who are your heroes and zeroes in punk and life?

I don't have any heroes, anymore. I used to idolize Dick out of the Subhumans until I met him, then I realized he's just a person. Anyone can make themselves appear to be larger than life with a bit of charisma and hard work. Having said that, I hope to be idolized by other people one day. Favourite people in the scene and in our lives would have to be Lazza Ogden our off the record tour manager, bands like the mighty Gizmo, they're good people. One person on the scene that I would like to meet is Captain Sensible but he's not very sociable back stage at gigs before he's about to go on.. I wonder why

6. What is your fave BY song and why?

My favourite Barnyard Masturbator song would have to be 'Hollow Existence' cause it's very true to life.. it's about how you to progress yourself and then life throws obstacles in your way, like you loose your job, have a break up, stuff like that and then you find yourself back at square one. The other two like 'Ode to Oi' cause it just kicks ass.

7. Basil Brush and Ken Dodd need to save the world. Despite being lovers civilisation needs this deviant duo to save them. If you were in Ken's shoes what would you do?

That's an odd predicament I think I would cut Basil's brush off and use it as a dildo. As far as saving the human race is concerned Ken Dodd has proven himself to be a lying bastard so you can't really trust the fucker. He'd probably just say all that shit about civilization to get laid. Fuck civilisation I'd be fine to carry out the rest of my days on a desert island, I'm a real survivalist I can make fire in any environment.

8. Why should anyone come and see the BYM machine and what should they expect?

I'd tell them to expect it to be LOUD, even without a bassist. Stevie really plays his guitar like he's rapping it and yes he does bend over to play. You'll see a short Mexican jumping bean screaming from the top of her lungs and dripping with sweat. The stunning Caz, girlie drummer pounds that drum kit harder than most men are capable of. The music will be pure Hardcore, DIY, PUNK. With lyrics about societal ills such as plastic surgery, disillusionment, and our hatred for bus drivers. There's a lot of hate in our songs, we're very angry, especially me. But we have a way of spinning a comical edge off all these topics.

9. What makes Barnyard Masturbator what they are - what is your general outlook?

We're fun, believe it or not after this interview. We do like to have a laugh. We're all very opinionated but feel that strong views must be counteracted with taking the piss out of all the seriousness, it keeps you balanced.

10. Five words to sum up your band - go for it?

Five words ok; Hardcore, Revolutionary, Angry, the Real fuck'n deal, ROCK.

11. Scarlet - you can organise a gig - who and where? Please tell all.

That's really tricky but it would have to the London Philharmonic, Anthrax, The Mighty Gizmo, and The Buzzcocks that way the music genres would cater to every type of musical taste, it would have to be held in Lazza's conservatory with the back door open, of course.

12. Victor Vestibule once said 'The worship of Jam Jars is the only way my masturbation technique may improve. Surely Eddie Waring would use the kipper as a rug'. What was Mr Vestibule on about and is this man full of hatred for the Rugby fraternity?

I don't know what Vic was on about either but after much consideration I would have to say "Don't waste your life hating, get all your aggression out by masturbating."