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1. Tell us about Headclinic - the history so far, musical style, releases to date and any criminal convictions we should know about?

We kind of started in '93 Dave, Natalie, Fordy n me, had an albums worth of stuff.
We did some gigs but kind of fizzled into a blur of piss n shoe laces.
Musical style, we are basically a punk band but we sound the way we want to sound not what the punk collective expects you to sound like 'insubordination eh!!' My belief in what a punk band sounds like 'is you sound the way you want'. In the early days, late 70's all the bands had their own sound e.g. Pistols, Siousxie, Buzzcocks, SLF, Clash, Killing Joke but were all classed as punk, its been lost now with a lot of bands sounding the same, we're just trying to do something a bit different whilst still keeping the spirit (without sounding pretentious I hope cos we def aint that!!)
Pip got arrested for hitting a policeman with a front door which had been pulled off the hinges, I'm not really sure about Dave and Nat but if you want this interview in the next 2 months I'm not even gonna bother to ask em'
Personally I can't remember ever being in trouble with the law......sorry obviously I didnt try hard enough (or was smart enough not to get caught)!

2. Tell us about your personal musical career so far - where it all began, influences, bands etc.

I started playing when I was a nipper, formed The Skeptix with Chig while we was at school, we made some records, did some gigs then split up. I worked with Discharge for a year or so, left them then got offered to play guitar in a rock band woo!!!
This I did for a year or two, didn't really see eye to eye with certain aspects/members so bid them farewell, had a brief spell of not playing anything while I sorted my studio out....plug, plug - pro-job does great recordings you would be foolish to record anywhere else!
In 2000 met up again with The Skeptix, hadn't seen them in like 12 years, we recorded the songs we had written in 1985 and never got to release the cd was called HATE AND FEAR. Since then we toured USA 3 times and made a DVD and live cd called 'Live At CBGB's' and released our debut album 'SO THE YOUTH' on cd.
Last year Ush the bassist (did I mention we was the original line-up?) went to live in Turkey so we sort of went on ice, in the meantime, around 2004 I contacted Dave 'n' Natalie and asked em' to get the band back together, we drafted in PIP to play bass, he was from a punk/folk band from Crewe called 'Tower Struck Down' (they toured everywhere constantly even played Glastonbury.) Dave used to play in the Slum Turkeys and both him and Natalie were also in The Space Hoppers
We spent the last 3 years writing our CD and gigging every shithole that would put us on most of the time for peanuts - the rest for even less.
Our debut CD "INSUBORDINATION" is released now so when Dave's wrist mends, (dopey twat broke it at Rebellion being drunk and clumsy) we will be gigging consistantly to promote it.

3. Tea Cup Porn is taking the deviant underground by storm. I am a big fan but would love to see more kettle filth as the up-turned spouts are both decadent and arousing. What tabletop deviancy would you like to see hit the market and are rounded off corners wonderful!

I don't know what tea cup porn is, is it anything to do with dipping your 2 inches of dangling terror into your morning cappuccino?
Naked table tennis sounds like fun, where the bats are either gaffa taped on to the males or the ladies have to come up with a good muscle exercise to stop them flinging the bats across the room each time they swing for the ball.
Kate Moss would obviously have to be the ref and in charge of serving the ball. (the mind boggles)!

4. Best Headclinic song - who wrote it, what makes it so great!

That's a hard one because they're all quite different. I'd say 'TORN' because its got everything in there, in ya face kicking riffs, then it chills a bit on the verse letting ya get ya breath, then it pounds you some more before going into the bridge and lulls ya into a false sense of security, then the chorus kicks the livin shit outa opinion anyhow.......but then a lot of our songs kick the living shit outta ya all the way through, so best bet is to check it for yourselves?!
(incidently 'Torn' isnt included in the generous helping of audio space that Tom gave us)
HeadClinic wrote it, its what I love about the band the most - everyone writes, we write the lyrics together and we all contribute to the music writing.

5. Describe your fellow band members in 5 abusive words apiece?

Fuckshovellingsnivellingwankshaftingshitsplat - Dave
Shitrottensmegdrippingbollockyoghurtarsedmuckmess - Pip
if you choose any of the poetic phrasing from the above 2 and place them in any order you can get one for Natalie any really good ones should be posted on our myface profile.

6. Best show Headclinic have played so far and tell us about the general feedback the band gets!

Hard to say perhaps the Sugarmill in Stoke (cos there was a crowd in!!!!)
The general feedback is "what a fuckin awesome drummer and bassist you have" then "your singer is fuckin mental tho she scares me......when's the cd out!!"
We generally always go down really well wherever we play, that is once they realise that the psychotic crazy fuck runnin' around in the crowd (gettin in everyones face) with a microphone is female and it wouldnt be PC to pop her (not as tho she wouldnt kick the shit out of them for doin it tho.....God we have some stories to tell about her knockin' blokes out).

7. Graham Fallopian - the sexual scientist of Zanzibar has just discovered the healing properties of soup are also responsible for increasing the diameter of mens nipples. Englebert Chuff - Italys anal master has just undergone a years treatment and has a 12 inch nipple spread across his chest. What benefits do you see for Mr Chuff and is Basil Brush a tool?

If Mr Fallopian and Mr Chuff put their heads together they could come up with an awesome cure for constipation, might even benefit the catholic church too....ooopps fuck did I just write that you better edit that bit out...
and yes Basil Brush is a cooking implement for coating chicken breasts.

8. What would be Headclinics ideal gig to play -where would it be and who would it be with?

We are trying desperately to get on some bigger shows...yeah yeah yeah I know all the PC brigade frown on them but fuck them, they dont slog their arses up and down the UK playing to 15 kids and ending up with it costing everyone a fortune, how many years of that before everyone is disillusioned and calls it a day.
As for what bands we would play with, we've asked most of em we know so this is my personal gig
KILLING JOKE then in no set order
then I'd put some of the bigger names on first and let them feel the shit end of the stick
Without use of any dressin' rooms and no rider!! and defo no lengthy soundchecks :)
at the The Swan Ashton.

9. Tell us about your local scene - venues, promoters, bands etc and what are the crowds like?

Ha my closest town is Crewe and even tho there is a scene growing its relativley small
but the local venue just opened THE M CLUB are putting punk bands on so it is looking a lot better. I went see Blood or Whisky there last week and even tho the attendance was poor it was mainly local punk kids who went, problem is its an 800 capacity venue so 50 kids in don't even fill across the stage.
To promote the scene in and around Crewe there's a profile if we can get all the local kids on it then we can find out if its worth draggin' some bands to the area, last thing I want to do is start booking shows and the bands are playing to no one.

10. How are things on the gig front - easy to get, hard to get, plenty of dosh (ha, ha) or is it just as hard as its been for punk bands over the last few years? How frustrated do you get with the current scene?

We seem to be getting a few in now, plenty of dosh haha good one, but now we have a CD to promote so I think were getting taken a bit more seriously. But its really hard, out of every 10 venues/promoters we contact only one or two ever reply then they want you to travel to the ends of the UK with full backline for the local bands to use cos they ain't got none for £8.00 and when you get a gig and travel the length of the UK to play it, theres no guarantees anyone will show which renders the whole thing useless.

11. Pixel McShitty is becoming totally absorbed in the world of Bangladeshi turd tossing. Its a great sport but very unhygenic. What unclean sports do you know of and would you take part in a shit-eating contest if the grand prize was a case of black mongolian sherry?

I think the worst is "frozen piss pole dancing" because not only do the poor lasses flappy parts get chapped and occasionally stuck to the "pisspole" but after, they kind of smell like old people and I've actually heard of a case of conjunctivitus of the lower region being caught when the pole started to melt.
No I dont believe I'd take part in a shit-eating contest but if anyone wants to go into training a good warm up is to get married!!!

12. Lastly tell us of Headclinics future plans and why we should all get off our complacent asses and come and check you out.

We hope to gig everywhere, and you should all get off yer fuckin' arses cos, we're a good band and entertaining and we play punk with a different twist to it. Its a bit original, very manic and energetic, melodic vocals in places and a lot of thought has gone into the lyrics as well as the music,
We're all down to earth and have a good laugh and it beats the livin shit out of staying home and watchin' myspace!!!!!!!!!!!