1. Give us a brief account of Lowlife's history and current ambitions?

Started in 1995 as an excuse for free beer at gigs, put out 5 self released albums (one of which was a limited edition thing) toured the east coast of U.S. played in Italy in 2006 to over 1,000 lunatics. Opened the main stage at the last Wasted festival to a packed house and have had 4 drummers, 3 bassists, 2 guitarists but only 1 singer. Current ambitions are to finish the covers album we are doing then release a live album followed by a collection of short songs (all under a minute) except the last song on the album which is going to be the longest track we’ve every written, alienate your audience I say.

2.  Describe your fellow band members in no more than 4 words each?

Beaker- speccy,bald, gay icon

Gaz Idiot- Handsome, sex god

Papa Luigi- Marlboro smoking, pizza maker

3.   Tell us your fave Lowlife song and what makes it so special?

It changes from gig to gig but ‘Ugly and Proud’ is always a good one as it sums up the band so well and ‘Bitchpiss Boys’ is a song I like playing live but I always fuck it up.

4.   Baron Von Nipple once said that his unique brand of anal gravy would
put them bastards at Bisto out of business.  He also added that the
squirrels he sold to Tim 'Punk4Life' Davies were for purely sexual reasons
and sport was never an option.  The question is can Bisto cope with Von
Nipples' Anal Gravy advertising pressures and is Mr Davies going to far in
his lust for woodland love?

Bisto have the advantage of using the Bisto Kids in their adverts so I think they may have the edge over the Baron, although Anal Gravy may just follow through to world domination if they start using post vindaloo special gravy mix. I heard that Mr Davies was always after something to steal his nuts, I now know why the fascination with squirrels, it makes a change from him falling asleep in pub car parks.

5.   Playing in Britain or abroad - explain your preference and why?

I personally prefer playing in this country for one reason, I can speak the lingo and I know what the crowd are shouting at me. Yes the crowds are bigger and you get treated better- we didn’t play for a drink in Italy!!!! But it can be a bit intimidating not being able to fathom out if the bloke in front of you wants to kill you or not.

6.  Lowlife UK - quality outfit so often overlooked it seems.  Why should
people come and see your band?  Please feel free to advertise your outfit as
blatantly as possible.

You should all come and see Lowlife UK as we have a brand new album to flog to you all and if we don’t get rid of it the plastic tax police will insert them one by one up each of our orifices. Other than that we have been around for long enough to know what we are doing and occasionally do play a good gig. Oh yeah and I sometimes play the guitar behind my head and our drummer can do one handed drum rolls

7.   By placing a fish-hook up your trumping tube thus piercing the lower
colon if you pull really hard you can remove 4ft of bowel.  You may laugh
but if you dry this out and attach a rubber handle at the exposed end you
have yourself a human skipping rope.  Hire yourself out to childrens parties
for say - £50 an hour and your quids in.  Ok - so you may have problems
curling one down but surely it must be worth it.  Please answer as to your
views on this cack-hole conundrum and do you like drawing pins?

I don’t think bowel based skipping ropes would catch on - for one the smell would put the kids off. I haven’t drawn a pin for ages, although I once did a good picture of pinhead from Hellraiser.


8.   What are the high's and lows of being in a punk band and who are your
heroes and zeroes within the scene and in life in general?

High’s are playing live, whether it’s to 10 or 1,000 people getting out there and doing it is why I play the guitar. Seeing the fruits of our labours come together on a c.d. is always good but a bit frustrating as it takes so long. The lows are travelling hundreds of miles only to find the gig hasn’t been advertised or worse still cancelled. There are loads of heroes in the punk scene, far too many to mention but let’s just say the people who put hours of their own time and money to keep the whole punk thing alive should be applauded. As for zeroes they all know who they are, but a special mention must go to bands who charge a fortune for a mediocre ‘going through the motions’ performance.

9.   Wasted, Rebellion, HITS, Academy in the UK, Speedfeaks etc  - whatever
you want to call em,  - give us your views on these big punk bonanzas?  Feel
free to name and shame or praise any individuals!

On one level these are good thing but are a bad thing on another, I’ll explain… Putting on a shed loads of bands all under one roof is a good thing and generally everyone has a great time, the logistics of putting on these events is nothing short of a miracle, but I think it would be better if some of the newer bands got to play at these events not just old bands reforming for the money. I would like to add that at last years Wasted we were treated like rock stars, dressing room, free beer, soundcheck the full shebang so for me I can’t really slag it off.

10.   If you could promote an all day gig - where would it be, would would
be on it and what would you charge in?  Explain all?  Oh and who wouldn't be
allowed in eg.  Ted Bovis from Hi De Hi coz he's a fat twat?

The gig would have to be in Leeds, as it’s where I live, the bands would be in reverse order- Headclinic, A.F.S, 3CR, Stuntface, Swine (band from Wakefield) Mouthguard(Aussie band) Lowlife UK, Peter and the Test Tube Babies, The Toy Dolls, Cock Sparrer and Motorhead headlining. It would be £11 with a quid from each ticket going to each band. Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie Mcgee, Carol Smilie, the cast of Eastenders-apart from Jim Branning and Posh Spice would be banned along with Bono.

11.  Talking of Hi De Hi - Gladys Pugh vs Spike Dixon in a nude bout of
skull conkers.  Whose skull would crack first and would you purchase a copy
of the video of the whole pre-match analysis?  Mickey Muscle would be the
referee?

Funny you mentioned Hi-De-Hi, Beaker our singer knows someone that shagged Sue Pollard-the cleaner was she called Peggy? Anyway Spikes head would go first as Gladys Pugh shares the surname of our drummer and we all know how hard a head he has. The video would be as essential viewing as the re-runs of Bullseye on Challenge T.V.

12.  Lastly - give us a message on behalf of Lowlife Uk and the
manufacturers of good quality hoovers everywhere?

Lowlife UK would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas, yuletide, whatever religious bollocks you want to call it and a happy new year, come to our gigs, buy our stuff so we can continue to annoy/please the hapless idiots up and down the country. Oh and have a look at www.lowlifeuk.co.uk for more shite about us.

Was the last bit a trick question? Hoovers are a brand name not a generic term for vacuum cleaners, I hear Dyson are good but I myself have a Vax upright 1300.