1. Tell us about your musical career so far?

It has been a fruitful and illustrious career I can tell you.  I have been playing in bands since I was about 14 years of age - the first of which was The Cheeses Of Nazareth where I gigged sporting sandals and sackcloth pelting out tunes such as "Ooh granny yer feet are likened to a stinky wheel of Edam" on rectal kazoo.

  Then came The Accidents/Shotgun Solution, travelling round the country collecting an army of loyal fans (well two I can think of).  We were set for world domination a la Pinky and the Brain, but missed the opportunity when my head got wedged inside my own colon making it too difficult to play guitar.

 To more serious matters and on to Suspicious Stains.  We can regularly be found playing of an afternoon in the Next Step Heaven local nursing home, where we recite poetry and play the classics as "what's that Ethel your very windy today" and the such.  We are payed a £50 bonus for any old dear that may pop off their mortal coil during said concertos as it makes life easier on the staff, and we make quite a few bob on the side - it has recently paid for our forthcoming album "with added cheese" which will be released shortly.  


2. What are your biggest influences in life and music?

Pure, unadulterated, lowdown, dirty Punk fuckin rock with a mix of Ska a dash of Oi! and a sly nod towards the world of Psychobilly

3. Val Doonican once said 'ooooh I'd love to put a can opener in me anus'.
What do you think he meant by this?

Having toured with Valentine (as his friends call him) on many occasions with Suspicious Stains we know exactly what he means. 

 Before his days of crooning and molesting old grannys, Val travelled with a circus of midgets and freaks where they encouraged him to perform sick and degrading acts of torture and self mutilation - which I think still comes across in his music today, just listen to the album "Val Doonican Rocks, But Gently - pure filth!!  Anyway, during these said acts of depravity one of his tricks was to place a can opener in his poo shoot, open a can of beans and fart the contents into the open mouth of an awaitig midget whilst playing guitar and performing the Irish ditty "Paddy McGinty's Goat".  This was Val's favourite trick and he sometimes has a flash of nostalgia and on occasion still enjoys performing the trick.

4. What is your fave Suspicious Stains track?

A new one, you haven't heard it yet but it goes do do do daa da da de de de.... etc.  I don't know what it is called as I am merely a drummer and don't get told such things, but I can assure you its a winner.

5. What is your fave gig to date?

Playing with The Dead Kennedys in Nottingham - wierd as fuck!


6. Eddie Starr - you are a promoter - whats your first gig and why?

  Mmm.  I would start the evening with gimps on roller skates handing out canopies and other various finger food to the unsuspecting audience, then have the mighty Gwar attack the stage with much blood letting and vomiting around the place.
          Once the place was a right old mess with excretia and blood dripping the walls I would have Cannibal Corpse take the stage having midget wrestlers hand out rotting pig carcasses to throw at the said band.
         After all that chaos, I think it would be nice to have Cliff and the Shadows take the stage as headliners to top the night off and end on a high note and good cheer.
         As for why I haven't got a clue, I just think it would be an event.

7. Tim Punk4Life Davis has recently had an operation making his penis 10%
shaft and 90% bell. He says its the way forward - agree or disagree?

 I have often pondered the mystery of Bell to Shaft ratio.  I have to say I disagree though with Davis' philosophy on the matter.  The bigger the Bell the more sensitive the member, and unless you wear strides like MC Hammer you are going to cause friction problems, and you dont want that on a jaunt down to the offy on a friday night!! Also, whilst standing at the urinal you need some shaft to grip and whilst the rest of us might be OK, 10% of what Tim Davis has got he would need tweezers to drain the lizard.
 

8. Whats your main gripe with the punk scene?

Sheer fucking lazyness.  I blame Big Brother. Everyone is too engrossed in reality TV drivel like BB and that shitty Love Island to go to gigs these days.

9. Tell me about any other interests or pastimes you have?

 I am a keen sleeper and when I am doing nothing else I like to sleep.  I don't care where I am or who I am with I just like to sleep, its a hobby. 

10. Topless Ludo - a great game or a form of satanism?

Ludo was invented in a bunker in Berlin in 1945.  When the allied forces stormed Hitler's bunker they never found a body but found a game half played and four Nazi tunics on the floor.  As you can see from the diagram of the Ludo board the playing field resembles the swastika and we all know of the affiliation old Adolf had with Beelzebub himself.  I have been told if you place your finger on a glass on the centre of the board you can summon old Lucifer and he will read extracts from his book Mein Kampf. Not recommended - he is not much of a novelist. 

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